Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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