Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
