She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
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