If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
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Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
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i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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