am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
