do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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