his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
