Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
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