I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
