I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
Randomize
