I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
