Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
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