He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
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Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
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She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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