So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
