in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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