i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
