he shaved USA in his pubs
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
