Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
