DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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