I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Boobs speak an international language.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
