So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
