dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
