i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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