I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
