i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
