I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
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