hotel room ftw
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
