The maid of honor just puked.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
