my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
