it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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