well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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