his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
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Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
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Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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