you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
