I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
