we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize
