shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
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i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
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Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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