I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
