i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
