i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
