I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
