New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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