I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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