i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
