so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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