Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
