Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
