I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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