If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Randomize
