The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
