it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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