Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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