You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
You pole danced in your parka.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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