As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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