So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
Randomize
